Cosmic consciousness

Esalen Institute, Big Sur

Monday October 31, 2011  Lyle is a work scholar. He also says he’s a recovering addict, but not the way you’d think. This makes me suspicious. He’s on a mission to give voice to his experience with ayahuasca. We’re sitting in the communal lodge at Esalen. He seems genuinely grateful that I’m willing to sit and listen. Even blows off a striking-looking female admirer. She says she’ll see with him at the baths later on and takes off. He continues. “I completely left my body ..I could see it lying crumpled on the floor but I didn’t feel any attachment to it. Then I lost complete sense of myself. I felt like vapor with no trace of ‘Lyle’. I entered a hole ..some people call it a ‘K-hole’ but whatever ..it took me out of this world ..where I flew weightless and untethered ..but still connected somehow to my buddies ..we entered a cosmic realm where speaking wasn’t necessary.” Here, Lyle gives me a look like ‘a speech therapist wouldn’t have much work there’ and I realize I might be reading too much into the gesture and smile. He goes on to say “We encountered beings from other parts of the cosmos ..unfortunately I have little memory of those encounters ..that’s why I want to go back so badly ..” Now his fists are clenched and he looks like he’s chomping at the bit. He goes on to say “Coming back to this plane was a slow process ..I had to struggle to re-unite with my body ..then I gradually became aware of my surroundings ..and my buddies. Honestly, I’m not really sure how long it took but it seemed like hours. I struggled to regain ‘symbolic consciousness’ ..then ‘bodily consciousness’ ..then regain my ability to speak. But anything we tried to say about the experience fell short and sounded cheap.” He slumped back. “The only thing addictive about it is how curious I am to go back and there and explore some more ..plus regain the feeling of weightlessness.” Lyle has no training in linguistics or psychology so I imagine some of the terms he uses are one’s that others have supplied him. He left me with an interesting anecdote. They use something like ayahuasca, along with pain relievers, to treat soldiers injured in battle. It completely wipes out memory of a traumatic experience.

Courage to be you (Esalen workshop)

best short clip on the subject ..definitely worth seeing ..!!!

 

Esalen (day five)

“There was a wicked messenger
From Eli he did come
With a mind that multiplied
The smallest matter.” Bob Dylan. 

Mary shows us how we live on a ‘spectrum of activation’ ..and that people spend most of their waking hours in the cautious zone (the yellow zone), which comes as a surprise to all of us. She refers to this as ‘being vigilant’, which she says is a good thing. It tells us when to stop (and enter the red zone) or when to go (and enter the green zone). Too much time in the red zone means being pre-disposed to doing nothing ..and too much time in the green zone means allowing events to zoom by without regard for where they’re heading. Sophia struggles with this, asking how ‘vigilance’ can be good thing “..isn’t there a fine line between vigilance and hyper-vigilance?” Feeling smart, because I think I finally caught-on to what Mary is saying, I jump in with something I think may be helpful. I suggest to Sophia that maybe it’s not a fine-line that separates vigilance from hyper-vigilance but a range or spectrum instead. Perhaps hyper-vigilance means living too much in the red zone where it suppresses needful activity. Now I hear my voice trailing-off into uncertainly .. hoping either Sophia or Mary will say something to help rehabilitate me ..and thinking ‘mindfulness’ may have been a better word, and so on. However, Sophia quickly nods her head in agreement, saying “..of course” and Mary lets it pass ..and I’m left here sitting, thinking “who do I think I am, chief semanticist ..splitting hairs over a choice of words” and feeling somewhat less than helpful. Even now, the fact that this is what I remember to write about tells me how cautious I can be even after the fact ..looking back and ruminating over an instance that went largely unnoticed and has been pretty much forgotten by everyone (including Sophia) ..seems pretty fucking useless. Oh well oh well.

That’s why I’m reminded of the lyric by Dylan quoted above. I interpret Eli to mean the high priest and judge that sits inside my head; and rumination to be the part of my mind that multiplies the smallest matter.

Esalen (day five)

 I want to scream but I duck-out of the workshop instead. Perhaps it’s to avoid dealing with my own issues but there’s a dialogue going around and around, without resolution. Why resolution is important to me right now I have no idea. 

Ken: If I don’t make these changes right away ..I feel like I won’t make them at all. But I know it would be irresponsible for me to just quit and leave (talking about changing jobs and moving away from a painful situation). 

Mary: well, you don’t have to do these things right away ..that would be acting impulsively, which is what’s gotten you into trouble in the past ..right? (referring to infidelity and resulting divorce). 

Ken: yeah but, unless I do it right away ..I’ll lose the sense of urgency I need to do it at all. 

Me: are you saying you can’t do things unless you feel a sense of urgency? 

Ken: that’s right. I usually need a feeling of urgency to get things done.

Mary: think you can plan to make changes while it still feels urgent ..then proceed with deliberation? You know, I have this saying by Winston Churchill posted in the hall outside my home-office. It goes: “stay calm ..carry on.” 

Ken: yeah but, events in my life will overtake that and other tasks will become more urgent the way they always do. 

Mary: isn’t relief from suffering urgent enough?

Ken: yeah, but I only feel that way here ..back home I’ll spiral back into the life I’m used to. 

Now I feel like screaming. I know that I’m working through Ken because what I hear him saying is something I recognize in myself. I often wait until things become urgent before doing them. However, I also know the painful consequences of procrastination. I want to say something that’ll help. However, it’s beginning to sound like a circular argument and the phrase: “spiral down ..forget about carrying on” is running through my head. Instead of saying anything, I duck outside for awhile. It helps me clear the mental chatter going on inside my head and lessens my compulsion to jump-in and try to help ‘resolve matters’ ..which is usually no help at all.

(posted November 2nd at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day four)

To the mats ..

I’m laying on my back while Joy and Marie are massaging me ..Marie from my head down ..Joy from my feet up. My eyes are closed while Mary gently guides us: “Be aware of your breath ..see who comes into view ..who is it that you feel you want to talk to right now.” Many people flash by ..then I see my dad come into the foreground while others fade into the background. His presence stays. Next I hear Mary say: “Imagine a specific place where you can sit down ..look them in the eyes and, out loud ..tell them what it is you want to say to them ..what it is you are feeling.” I sit with him in his Tucson studio and say:

“Dad, I was at that place you refer to as ‘that place you like to go’ (Esalen). However, right now it doesn’t sound as dismissive as before ..more like an acknowledgment of something I like to do ..a recognition of how I feel. Makes me feel good. I don’t know why I ever expected more. I want to say that I appreciate you remembering what I like. Thank you. I also want to thank you for giving me life ..twice. Once when I was conceived, of course ..then again when I was eighteen and lost. You paved the way for me to go to the university, where I felt most at-home. Now I recognize that, what I once perceived as disinterest in what I was doing ..was actually non-interference with what I was doing. I know how much you value individuality. You were allowing me to ‘be my own man’. Not telling me what you expected me to be. Now I see that as a gift to be cherished. Thank you, dad ..I love you.”

Tears of joy are streaming down my face ..
 

(posted November 1st at UC Santa Cruz)

Esalen (day one)

Ken is from New York. Says that tonight’s activity was “..way too West Coast” for him. Thought he could be just an observer. Says he’s unsure if he can participate in the workshop this way. Mary asks what bothered him about tonight’s activity. He says he doesn’t know. Mary suggests that maybe he’s afraid. Ken says he guesses so. The instructions were to scan the room, then when Mary says “go” ..walk over to someone, take their hand and sit down with them. Everybody (including myself) reads way too much into these simple instructions. Some of us wander confused ..especially when the one we had chosen ..gets taken. Mary never said we couldn’t be a “threesome”. I read “form a couple” ..with all its connotations. I chose another wanderer ..Brita. Next we’re revealing something about ourselves to each other. I forget what I said, but I remember what Brita said. She lives in Big Sur, works at Esalen as a bodyworker and does whatever else she can to contribute. She also has a job in Monterey. I forget what. I also met my roommate, Michael, this evening. He’s on a month-long retreat ..with weekends free. This week he’s hiking with Steven Harper’s group. He’s from Toronto.

(posted October 31st at UC Santa Cruz)