Natalie

Saturday Night Live (2006) - Natalie Portman... by Eklecty-City

Take my pulse

I tremble   /  They’re gonna’ eat me alive   /  If I stumble   /  They’re gonna eat me alive   /  My heart keeps beating like a hammer  /  Beating like a hammer  /  And why shouldn’t it  /  Gotta’ get where I'm going  /  Get whatever I need   /   While my blood’s still flowing   /  And my heart’s still  /  Beating like a hammer   ~~> Metric

 

Sirens of Titan

Is it a coincidence that the Cassini space probe inexplicably stopped sending images as it was about to fly by Titan, one of the moons of Saturn? Titan is known to harbour conditions necessary for life. Another place considered to be a likely candidate for extraterrestrial life is Europa, one of the moons of Jupiter. However, the canyons of Europa have eluded attempts at observation as well [link]. Early radio astronomers claim to have received signals, leaking from Titan, that suggest the presence of an extraterrestrial species. However, they are trapped and shielded from detection by parasitic aliens from another galaxy ..aliens who have been exploiting Titan’s resources for eons [link]. This explains why conditions there have deteriorated to an almost “pre-biotic” state. The result has been a sort of reverse-geo-evolution. In it’s day, Titan could have been just as hospitable a place as Earth is today.

Memory

Words and events fade in an instant. What isn’t remembered is doomed to be repeated. Who knows how long this exchange has been going on, or will continue to go on, without memory.

Payroll

Click on image to enlarge ..

Fiasco

I order a bucket of chicken ..but I don’t have enough cash on me and KFC doesn’t take credit cards. I’m too tired to go to the bank ATM so I use the one in-store ..and bring it down, twice. I’ve never used one before and the only time I ever used my debit card was by accident. So, the manager suggests I use the ATM at the liquor store on the corner ..it’s more like the one at the bank. I get lost on a street that I thought I knew well. I’m exhausted from hiking all day and putting off dinner until way too late. My clothes are dirty and my hair slipped it’s knot hours ago .. it hangs over my shoulders like oily dreadlocks. In other words, I look like a bum. I decide to go back and drive to the bank when I walk by the liquor store (which is not on the corner ..but down a side street several blocks away). Now I’m staring at the ATM dumbfounded. It says it takes American Express, but insists that I give it a pin number. I cannot, for the life of me, remember a pin number ..so I try to cancel the transaction ..causing the machine to freeze. The liquor storeowner looks at me in disgust ..there’s a surly line of customers waiting behind me. I try to explain but it comes out garbled. He threatens to call the cops. I ask if he’ll take a check for a bottle of glenlivet plus $20 cash back ..he comes around the counter shouting, ordering me out. Back on the street I feel hungry, exhausted and confused ..there’s a bucket of chicken waiting for me at KFC ..but they’ll be closed by the time I get there. I look up at the building beside me and discover I’m standing next to the Alta Mare restaurant .. displaying logos for Visa, MasterCard and American Express. I duck inside and order a big bucket of calamari, the fish-taco platter and a tall pitcher of beer. The waitress asks if I’m expecting anyone else and I say no ..in fact, I tell her to just bring the pitcher and forget about the glasses.

Saint Patrick

They close off State Street (main street) for farmers market and St. Patrick’s Day. By 2 pm the clubs are packed ..by 4 pm people are pouring into the street. I’m just passing through. There are a lot of people from out of town .. they out-number residents ..which can be interesting. I duck into Territory Ahead and buy some clothes for summer. Since it’s unseasonable warm today; I keep on one of the new shirts I bought. When I go outside ..it looks like aliens have landed. People are running around dressed in green .. totally green. I say ‘Hi’ to a group of elves ..and they point out that they’re not elves but leprechauns. One of them suggests knocking my lights out. I see a bunch of bikers, sitting outside O’Malley’s, glaring at me. A rough bunch of bikers ..and I realize, to my horror, that I’m no longer wearing green ..I changed into blue at the store. Memories of St. Patrick’s Days past leap to mind. I’ve had my hair cut ..shirt torn ..and buckets of Gatorade and green paint poured over me. They start to get up ..and I start to run. I rush passed strawberry ..artichoke ..and alfalfa sprout vendors. I dodge a moving cartload of tomatoes ..duck into a movie theater .. passed the ticket-taker ..and into ‘The Last House on the Left’. I crash and fall down the isle ..through the exit ..and into an alleyway full of consignment shops. I drop my bags behind the counter at Cominichi’s ..grab a denim vest ..and duck into a changing room. Before I leave I make sure I’m wearing something green ..and hope for the best.

Smart people

Video exchange ~ that’s the deal ~ for one fee I get to see as many videos as I want ~ but not at the same time ~ I have to give one back before I can take the next. So, tonight I’m all psyched to see the third season of ‘weeds’ ~ I make sure to put the old video ‘smart people’ in the car before I leave. I arrive at Blockbuster and go directly to the aisle I want ~ the videos are a little mixed up so I shuffle them around until I find the one I’m looking for ~ disk three. I go up to the counter and realize I don’t have ‘smart people’ ~ must’ve left it in the car ~ so I put down weeds ~ go outside and proceed to tear the car apart ~ no luck ~ I must’ve left it at home. I finish shopping then go home and tear the house apart ~ twice ~ and give it up for lost, figuring, this time ~ before I see weeds ~ I’ll have to pay full price for the other video. I take my credit card, go back to Blockbuster, pick up a copy of weeds, and my copy of smart people is sitting right behind it.

Observation deck

The bubbles on the surface of my morning coffee are reflecting different colors ~ I move in for a closer look ~ fine little twinkling stars of violet and green ~ how come I never noticed them before ~ I think back to last night but there’s nothing there to suggest why things would look out of the ordinary today. Perhaps I’m getting a contact high from the smoke drifting by ..and I remember that Cezar is back from Texas. He played Oz fest ..says he’s second only to Ozzy Osbourne in the number of festivals played ~ I congratulated him on that accomplishment, but now I’m wondering if it only means that he’s, like ..the second oldest metal-head there.

The coffee tastes the same ..

Ron comes over and sits down ~ I ask him where he’s been for the last couple weeks. Bisbee Arizona ~ opening another branch of his new-age spiritual center. I’m like ~ Ron, are you out of your mind ..? Those are like traditional God-fearing Christians down there ..with military weapons. I know Lee, we’re really only expecting a small handful of people ..That’s not my point Ron ~ I’m talking about right-wing paramilitary groups who take turns guarding the border ..they’re going to mistake you for a foreign infiltrator and vaporize you. Now Ron is looking at me like I’m the one who’s missing the point. He goes ~ Nah, Bisbee is like the new Santa Fe ..lots of art galleries and antique stores ..stuff like that. And I’m like ~ Uh huh, well ..don’t try spreading the word too far from town ..seriously .. don’t make me come down there looking for you. These are dangerous times for paranoiacs like me.

Drawing by Nicolas ~ age 15

Observation deck

Did ADD start with tree shrews or humans ..? Do intoxicants play a role in maintaining the ecosystem or are there giant squid lurking beneath the surface ..? I wonder if I’m sufficiently hydrated or having absorption problems. Am I forgetting something ..? Oh, yeah ..I wonder if fence-sitters are the same as flip-floppers. I hear sirens ~ no, those are my ears ringing. What brings some thoughts to mind and buries the rest ..? What’s with all the annoying questions ~ and so few declarative statements ..? Could be self-doubt ~ or the process of analytical-thought. I don’t know which. Where am I going with this ..? I have no idea. Oh shit, I also don’t have time to chat with my neighbor right now ~ but it’s pretty obvious I have nothing else to do ~ better think of something fast ~ nothing comes to mind ~ except maintain eye contact and smile a lot ~ but not too much otherwise he'll think I’ve lost my mind ~ oh, and don’t forget to nod at the appropriate times.

Photo of a tree shrew ~ the first mammal to be able to focus attention ~ and shift attention ~ with equal ease. I admire these little creatures.

Cyber space

I instant message a group of friends ~ we meet on MySpace ~ go to MyRoom ~ watch videos on YouTube ~ drink a case of Ethernet beer ~ and watch our blood alcohol levels sky-rocket on a WindowsIndexBox. After crushing beer cans on top of our avatar-image heads ~ we stumble down MyStreet ~ hijack a transport pod ~ take it to MyDesertedIsland.com ~ blow up a couple of virtual oil tankers (you can actually do that) ~ then watch gas prices soar on a WindowsIndexBox. We lay down on a sandy beach ~ and listen to Priscilla Ahn play the ukulele song on iTunes. I feel wasted and I can't find my way home.

What's that smell

Joe is helping me repair the deck ~ we’re replacing boards ~ pounding nails ~ and I’m hammering dimples into whatever good wood is left. We sealed it with some kind of new preservative I’ve never heard of ~ it’s environmentally friendly ~ which means it cures by sunlight ~ and takes forever to dry. This morning I can really smell it ~ I open the window and I’m like ~ uh oh ..I had no idea it was gonna smell like this ~ it’s not bad ~ I mean, to me ..it smells like a redwood forest ~ a really pungent redwood forest ~ later on I find out that it only smells that way to me because I associate it with my redwood deck ~ to my neighbor Cezar, it smells like an electrical fire ~ which I suspect is because he’s around sound equipment all the time ~ I apologize and tell him I had no idea it was gonna smell that way ~ and he’s like “no problémo, dude” ~ he says when he discovered it wasn't a fire ~ he calmed down and felt better ~ I ask Joe what he thinks it smells like ~ and he says fiberglass ~ and I’m thinking surfboards ~ so now I’m afraid to ask my plumber Arturo what he thinks.

Social anxiety

I’m rushing around trying to prepare stuff for UPS ~ and meet some friends later for sushi ~ I’m ready to go when I discover my car has a flat ~ and I’m running out of time ~ OK OK OK ~ I tell myself ~ not to worry ~ I’ll call someone and get a ride to UPS ~ or blow-off UPS and go straight to the sushi place ~ and really piss-off Dave who’s in Big Sur waiting for this stuff ~ either way I still have a flat tire to deal with ~ so, I put on a pair of overalls and figure I’ll see how much time is left when I’m through ~ I’m jumping up and down on the jack-handle because someone fastened the lug nuts with an hydraulic wrench ~ I finish without having to call AAA ~ but I stink ~ so I freshen up in the sink ~ the tire looks like it was sliced with a shiv ~ and I see images of pissed-off road-warriors chasing me down the highway ~ I put ‘new Pirelli’s’ on the list ~ arrive at UPS on time ~ and walk over to Arigato Sushi ~ Matt tells me that Portland has replaced Eugene as the place to be ~ he’s leaving tomorrow ~ and I feel a sudden sense of dread come over me when I realize I’m supposed to go there and meet Vanessa and Dustin ~ only I’m not sure when ~ so, I blurt out: “Take me with you ..!!” but he doesn’t have enough room ~ he’s got children, dogs, and supplies to last thru summer ~ and I tell myself ~ OK OK OK ~ stay cool ~ hang out here for a while ~ but afterwards ~ drive home like a maniac ~ go immediately online and start checking airfares. Either that or grab Matt’s cell phone and do it from in here.

Weekend update

I am a news junkie ~ I get my fix over coffee and breakfast ~ which is probably why I'm no longer married ~ after a night disconnected from the world at large; I wake up feeling like a vigilante ~ I need to see what’s coming over the horizon ~ like a drop in the price of a dollar ~ causing a jump in the price of gasoline ~ or an act of lunacy by the federal government ~ holding up my medz in Canada ~ once I’ve scanned the event-horizon; I settle down and become conscious of local conditions ~ like the surf report ~ or my neighbor's cat prowling the creek right now ~ I kneel down and feed the little guy ~ showing gratitude for keeping the rodent population down ~ it's a self-sustaining ecology around here ~ which is why I gave up trying to intervene years ago ~ after the deer ate whatever I tried to grow ~ causing my former neighbor ~ an ex-navy seal ~ to shoot them with a shotgun full of dimes ~ he told me not to be alarmed ~ it only hurts like hell ~ he was a heavy-drinking fucking hard-ass kind of guy ~ he'd greet me in the morning drinking vodka ~ put it down ~ climb a tree carrying a chain-saw ~ and we’d have wood for the next couple of weeks ~ last I heard, he was in South Carolina ~ running a security company or something ~ I guess I feel safe enough now to be looking back on these things ~ I take a drink from my water bottle ~ and spill most of it on my shirt ~ I try to wipe it off with the back of my hand ~ looking around to see if anyone's watching ~ when I see a dove strolling across the deck ~ oblivious to my presence ~ so I keep as still as I can wondering if it lost the ability to fly ~ when a blue jay swoops down and attacks ~ and they disappear in a furious ball of flying feathers ~ so I return to the paper ~ trying to figure out where I left off ~ when the blue jay returns and stares at me menacingly ~ as though I'm next.

Well blended

I bought a blender that was designed by engineers at NASA. It was kind of expensive ..but I watched a demonstration at Costco ..and since my favorite drink is lunch, I figured it might be worth it. Last year I went through two cuisinarts and an osterizer. So, I took this miracle of modern technology home and, without reading the instructions .. loaded it with juice, bananas, yogurt, tofu, egg whites, frozen mangoes, strawberries and ice cubes ..figuring it could handle that ..and I could eyeball it the way I always do. I turned it on full-speed ..heard a loud crushing sound ..watched the concoction change color ..then stop moving. Prior experience taught me to wait until it was a swirling liquid ..so, I waited. It took about the same amount of time as before. I thought I’d been gypped. When I took a sip .. it was more like drinking a pudding than a smoothie. I thought maybe I hadn’t waited long enough ..so, next time I gave it a couple extra minutes. Now it was definitely a liquid ..but not very cold. For the next couple days I tried different things ..and got about the same results. So, I read the instructions. They said smoothies only take a couple of milliseconds .. and what I was doing was watching it turn solid ..then heat up and turn into a liquid again. If I had waited another couple minutes ..it would a’ been soup.

Neuro

I wake up this morning feeling foggy headed ~ it’s a balancing act getting out of bed and down the stairs. I sit down and pour myself some coffee and cereal ..and watch as one half goes in ..and the other half goes out of the bowl. I clean up. I drive to see the neurologist ..and get the results of an MRI scan that I’ve been sweating about for the last couple weeks. “Looks good ..!” he says ~ and I’m relieved ~ but I ask him to tell me, once again, what he’s looking for. “The reason you’re out-of-balance.” he says. “I know the answer to that.” I say ..leaving out the fact that we talked about this last time. “OK ..” he says “..tell me what you think the reason is ..dumbshit.” (I filled in the dumbshit part). “The same reason I see a physical therapist ..there’s a problem with my ‘vestibular system’ (sense of balance) .. I do ‘neuro-retraining’ exercises for it and blah blah blah” ..and he’s not even listening and says he has no idea what I’m talking about. I leave feeling even foggier than before ..but with enough sense to realize that I worried over nothing ..MRI’s are expensive ..and I definitely need to get another neurologist. I pick up a cup of coffee at Starbucks ..and get a parking ticket for being in a passenger-loading zone ..I turn the page and there’s another ticket for having no front license plate ..it’s over $100.00 ..I sit on the curb ..drink my coffee and try to remember what happened to the license plate ..and wonder if this is somehow related to the magazine I swiped from the waiting room. I stop by Lazy Acres to pick up ginseng and flax seed oil. I power on to Tri County ..Trader Joe’s .. and Presto Pasta. I get home where there’s a message on my machine .. the ‘good deal’ I found on computer memory last week is gone ..Microsoft Vista uses so much .. there’s been a run on the market ..not to mention the value of the yen ..and I’m sitting here feeling like I just skidded nine miles ..out of the last ten.

Slipstream

I wake up to the sound of ‘dear prudence’ on the radio ~ it sounds so good I wonder why I never bought the Beatles white album before ~ I go downstairs and hear my plants begging for food and water ~ and decide to take care of them before breakfast ..thinking it’ll go fast ~ I’m sitting at the dining room table trying to convert grams ..to ounces ..to tablespoons ..and failing ~ I kick myself for being so stupid ~ I switch on the laptop and it tells me I’ve lost some components of windows ..would I like to restore ..? OK, I say ..wondering if it has a leak ~ while it’s doing that, I water a nearby plant ..and watch as the water runs out the bottom ~ I rush to the sink ..spilling dirt along the way ~ I’m on my knees cleaning the carpet when the computer asks me if I would like to run an anti virus now ~ I reach up with a dirty wet hand and press OK ..hoping it'll find the other leak ~ before I can wash the dirt off my hands ..it informs me that the anti virus is missing a component ..would I like to restore ..? Of course, I yell ..that’s what I pay you for ..! Now there’s dirt all over the keyboard ~ I’m cleaning up thinking maybe I better do this outside ..the plants could use a good drench watering ..besides, I can handle it from here ..it’ll go fast ~ I pick up a bamboo palm from upstairs and take it outside ..it’s bone dry ~ I pick up a kentia palm and spill dirty water all over the carpet ..guess I over-watered it ~ I get a towel to blot it up ..and a plastic bag to wrap it up and take it outside ~ I change into gardening clothes ~ I look at a plant I took outside last week ..it’s burning up ~ I stop to perform a quick transplant and bring it back inside ..leaving a trail of dirt behind ~ I stop to clean it up .. and look at the laptop ~ the antivirus is finished but has no leaks to report ~ I guess the leaks are in my head ~ I begin watering ..I look at my watch ..it’s past noon ..maybe I should have a cup of coffee first ~ I put down the hose ~ and pick it up again going ..nah, I’m almost done ~ now I’m pruning trees by the creek ~ creating a pile of debris ~ and thinking of a way to tell my neighbors that I’m not cool with their plans to grow bamboo ~ a potted fichus starts to overflow ~ I run over .. grab the hose .. and notice blood running down my arm ~ I cut myself with the pruning shears while thinking of what to say to my neighbors ~ I take my shirt off and run the hose over my head ~ I go inside and pour peroxide on the wound ~ now I’m sitting outside drinking juice and coffee ..it’s 2 pm ~ I go inside ~ I come back outside ~ I see that two of my palms have white fly ~ I go inside to get the spray ~ I come outside ~ I go inside again and get my reading glasses because I can’t read the instructions ~ I come back outside ~ I go inside to get a magnifying glass because I still can’t read the instructions ~ I wonder if my vision is getting more blurry ~ I begin spraying ..and the wind blows it right back in my face ~ I’m holding my hair while I flush my eyes with the hose ~ now I’m sitting in the dirt going: “..how the fuck did I get here ..?”

Breakfast of demons

The telephone wakes me in the morning ..it’s Laura asking me if I want to go out for lunch today. I say OK ..stumble out of bed and go downstairs ..where I’m confronted with forces sent to destroy my breakfast ..and thrash my kitchen. While I’m not paying attention, the coffeemaker overflows ..spilling coffee across the counter top, down the cabinets and out over the floor. I stop what I’m doing to mop it up ..and clean the cabinets ..both inside and out. Next, the oatmeal explodes in the microwave ..I stop what I’m doing to remove the mess ..burn my hand on hot sticky oatmeal ..react by swearing and waving my hand in the air to cool ..causing the bowl to crash on the floor ..splattering oatmeal everywhere. I stand and stare ..dumbfounded by the gooey mess I’m in. I breathe deep, wipe everything off and start over again. I’m slicing a mango, wondering if the oatmeal is going to explode again ..when the mango slides out of my hand and the knife cuts into my finger ..sending my composure out of sight. I perform first aid ..wipe the blood and mango juice from the counter top and cabinets ..both inside and out ..scream at whatever demons are screwing with me ..and sit down with a glass of orange juice ..figuring this outta’ hold me till lunch.

Gaze control

Major Lee to Gaze Control ..I’ve become unstuck from gravity ..everything around me is in ‘motion blur’ ..and I think I’m gonna hurl. Gaze Control to Major Lee ..you’ve entered a ‘sensory destabilization’ zone ..try to re-establish visual contact with something in your surroundings ..traffic lights ..street signs ..a bumper sticker ..anything that’ll help you regain visual stability. Major Lee ..I thought that was YOUR JOB ..Gaze Control.Gaze Control ..there's no time for blame ..we’ve lost communication with the reflex that cushions your eyes from the shock of walking upright ..from now on, it’s up to you to make that correction. Major Lee ..my neighborhood doesn’t look familiar anymore ..the pavement is disappearing ..and I’m losing my grip ..tell me, what am I supposed to do..? Gaze Control ..concentrate on keeping your eyes focused and still ..resist the forces pulling them in different directions. Either that or you're going to have to develop a higher tolerance for blur. Major Lee ..Roger that Houston.

Starship log

It was wet and spongy ..the way something looks after it’s sucked up more than it can hold. I put it in my bio-collection pouch and continued scanning the dry riverbed ..looking for whatever else may have spilled from a collision, earlier today, between asteroid X-18004 ..and an intergalactic bio-waste transporter ..just above a wasteland called ‘San Bernardino’ on a backwater planet named ‘Earth’. By the time I got back on board ship ..the specimen had grown noticeably larger ..the Biotech Crew eliminated the possibility that it came from the accident ..and concluded that it must be native to the planet ..we debated what we should do ..incinerate it ..or study it ..after tossing a coin ..we began attaching electrodes to fibers at the receptor sites ..and when we delivered linguistic signals, culled from radio waves native to the area ..it responded!! Resonating ..deliberating ..then sequencing elements found in storage containers scattered throughout the periphery ..a pattern recognition system was quickly deployed and the sequence scanned. It read: “Are we in Tennessee ..Jed ?”