memory chain

Listening to The Stones singing Lady Jane ..one word after another ..bringing up memories one after another ..until I’m following them like stepping-stones. I’m back in college where I found sanctuary after the recklessness of high school. Taking refuge in a library ..finding solace in the words of William James and Alan Watts ..informing me I wasn’t as crazy as I thought. Days spend discussing the latest books by John Fowles and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. ..finding out who got into grad school and how. Nobody I knew wanted this to end. Playing ‘go’ in the courtyard until classes looked like a grid of black and white stones. Crowding around professors like reporters chasing clues. Spending Sunday discussing philosophy with a faculty adviser until late at night. Continuing at Hamburger Henrys’ until Monday morning and the beginning of a new cycle. I felt like an explorer with helmet and miner’s lamp ..nerd that I am.

Note: A wonderful way to follow the memory chain and find writing material (or just shed light on things) can be found in ‘Felt Sense’ by Sondra Perl ~>[link]

Future shock

During a 70’s era college course in social psychology, we were each given the assignment of predicting possible future events in society and presenting them next time we met. I predicted technology would make fixed workplaces obsolete. I’d be able to do my job while at the beach or in a coffee shop and transmit it over telephone lines to an employer at another beach or coffee shop anywhere around the world. I predicted fixed residences would also become obsolete. I figured if I weren’t tied to a workplace I would become geographically un-tethered. I could travel on motorcycle, or recumbent bicycle across the US and either camp or stay at youth hostels along the way. I predicted the same would be true of relationships ..I would form them as I went. Everyone would. The idea of marriage or monogamy wasn’t in the cards ..and I considered the possibility that they may not even be compatible with who we are as a species. I admit, I got a lot of my ideas from the book ‘future shock’, the ‘whole earth catalog’ and a broken home. I remember the girl sitting beside me going “Man, ain’t no way you got a girlfriend, cuz if you do I sure feel sorry for her..!” However, the guy sitting on the other side was in shock. He looked like ‘preppie’ from the movie Love Story. He started out by saying his forecast was definitely more reality-based than mine ..and went on to talk about marrying his high school sweetheart and making partner at a precedent-setting law firm. Senator Edward Kennedy would be president. Decency and Christianity would prevail ..student protest wouldn’t be tolerated ..we’d win the war in Vietnam ..and defeat communism wherever it appeared. The standard of living would soar in the US ..Monsanto would make life better through advances in chemistry (making me think of Tomorrowland at Disneyland). And they’d live in a Mediterranean-style house in Benedict Canyon where his wife would stay home raising their two and a half children. He got a laugh out of that and for a moment I thought I had misunderstood the assignment. Looking back, I admit ..my ideas may have been offbeat ..but I was only eighteen years old. Now I’m not so sure they were any more or less ‘reality-based’ than preppie’s.

Theory

I entered graduate school in the field of Experimental Psychology and began looking for a ‘killer topic’ for the master’s thesis. I knew I couldn’t just write a paper – it had to be a research project. This meant coming up with a theory and collecting data to support it. Furthermore, it had to be interesting enough to get published in a professional journal. I had no idea what I was going to do but I didn’t have much time. While preparing for a presentation I was giving at a seminar in learning theory, I ran across a study showing how reading scores dramatically improve once children start making ‘inferences’. For instance, when a child reads the sentence “The paratrooper jumped out of the door” it helps if they make the inference “The paratrooper jumped out of the plane”. We weren’t teaching children to make inferences and that was one of the reasons why Japanese students were outscoring American student in reading. That interested me so I made a copy of it for future reference. Later that year at a seminar in linguistics, I listened to one of the presenters describe how inference-making can have undesirable consequences. At the Watergate hearings for instance, when President Nixon said “No one told me John Mitchell was behind the break-in.” People came away with the impression he said, “I did not know John Mitchell was behind the break-in.” I thought, how ironic ..the same process that helps children learn to read can become a source of misunderstanding between adults. It was an intriguing theory but even more important – I had found a ‘killer topic’. After getting my thesis committee to approve, I began running tests measuring adult speech and reading comprehension. What I found is that people really are susceptible to misleading inferences. Over two-thirds of the time, they mistake the inferences they make for something they either heard or read before. After listening to a passage containing the sentence “The karate expert hit the cement block”, they swore what they heard was “The karate expert broke the cement block.” Relying on inferences can actually lower adult reading scores. I thought I was on to something. Inferences are stored in a manner that is indistinguishable from information conveyed by direct assertion. I found examples occurring in courtroom testimony and deceptive advertising. I presented my findings at a conference of the Western Psychological Association in Los Angeles where I managed to get my thesis published [link]. Then, someone approached me and said that my research would be useful in another field .. developing speech recognition systems for the computer. So in 1981, after the Reagan Administration began cutting funds for the kind of research I was doing, I completed the master’s degree and I went to work for the computer industry. I remember my colleagues telling me I was ‘selling-out’. I never lost interest in psychology and always thought I’d come back and complete a doctoral degree.

Rabbit hole

I met Crazy Charlie in college ~ that’s also where I learned that hallucinations don’t always appear as people who aren’t really there ~ no, hallucinations are more subtle than that ~ they often don’t rise to the threshold of sight ~ most of the time they stop at the auditory centers ~ so, hearing voices of people who aren’t really there is a lot more common ~ I experienced this directly by participating in LSD sessions ~ LSD mimics psychosis by lowering the threshold for signals arriving from the senses ~ as well as noise originating from the mind ~ making music sound more persuasive ~ mixed up with people who looked more melodic ~ it could heighten feelings of euphoria ~ leading me to believe I was making all kinds of fascinating discoveries ~ or intensify feelings of dread and anxiety ~ which I could manufacture just as easily on my own ~ so I quit ~ I discovered that I had an aptitude for languages ~ which I probably picked up overseas ~ so I focused on language learning ~ not necessarily ESL ~ more like ‘hemispheric lateralization’ ~ I narrowed it down to reading comprehension ~ then phonemic awareness ~ my progress was going in the direction of increasing specialization ~ taking a subject and exploring it in depth ~ my friends and family thought I was crazy ~ they thought higher education was supposed to be a process of expanding horizons ~ so they used to ask me what else I was doing besides examining relative clauses ~ and they were right ~ higher education does expand your horizons ~ just not the way you think ~ the deeper you go into any one thing ~ the more connections you see with everything else ~ like, for instance, when Alice went down the rabbit hole ~ it didn’t lead to a tunnel ~ it opened up to the rest of the world ~ the one inside of her childlike mind.

Gazing ability

My physical therapist tells me there’s a new term out for what I’ve got when the room starts to spin ..‘gaze instability’. It means I’ve lost the reflex that keeps my vision stable while my head is moving Now, I know that, for the most part, when I move my head ..I want my eyes to look in the same general direction ..however, it happens with even the slightest motion ..like walking for instance ..my head moves up and down ..and so do things I pass on the street. I tell my therapist it reminds me of crazy ‘Dr. Monroe’. Who’s that ..she asks. A college professor who used to walk around campus wearing a video camera on her head ..like a pith helmet ..I explain. Everyone would laugh and say: ‘There goes crazy Monroe’ ..but there was a method to her madness ..you see, what the camera records is different than what the eye sees ..and, since a camera doesn’t have ‘shock absorbers’ ..it’s an awfully bumpy ride ..not smooth the way we ordinarily see things. “That’s a good way to describe it” my therapist tells me. It comes as kind of a surprise though; I always thought ‘gazing’ was one of my better qualities ..at least, that’s what my employers used to say ..along with both parents, all my teachers ..and quite a few relatives.

Grad school

People often ask me how I started out in the field of Psychology ..and wound up working in the computer industry. It’s been so long now that I hardly remember ..but I feel like I owe them a better explanation than: “It was easier getting a job in the computer industry.” There's more to the story. I was originally interested in Clinical Psychology and dreamed of becoming a ‘Rich Hollywood Psychologist’. But, my grades weren’t as stellar as they needed to be and my chances of getting into graduate school for clinical training were pretty slim. Then someone suggested that I get ‘research experience’ ..saying that it would improve my chances considerably. So, in September of 1977 ..I entered graduate school in the field of Experimental Psychology and began looking for a ‘killer topic’ for the master’s thesis. I knew I couldn’t just write a paper – it had to be a research project. This meant coming up with a theory and collecting data to support it. Furthermore, it had to be interesting enough to get published in a professional journal. I had no idea what I was going to do but I didn’t have much time. While preparing for a presentation I was giving at a seminar in learning theory, I ran across a study showing how reading scores dramatically improve once children start making ‘inferences’. For instance, when a child reads the sentence “The paratrooper jumped out of the door” it helps if they make the inference “The paratrooper jumped out of the plane”. We weren’t teaching children to make inferences and that was one of the reasons why Japanese students were outscoring American student in reading. That interested me so I made a copy of it for future reference. Later that year at a seminar in linguistics, I listened to one of the presenters describe how inference-making can have undesirable consequences. At the Watergate hearings for instance, when President Nixon said “No one told me John Mitchell was behind the break-in.” People came away with the impression he said, “I did not know John Mitchell was behind the break-in.” I thought, how ironic ..the same process that helps children learn to read can become a source of misunderstanding between adults. It was an intriguing theory but even more important – I had found a ‘killer topic’. After getting my thesis committee to approve, I began running tests measuring adult speech and reading comprehension. What I found is that people really are susceptible to misleading inferences. Over two-thirds of the time, they mistake the inferences they make for something they either heard or read before. After listening to a passage containing the sentence “The karate expert hit the cement block”, they swore what they heard was “The karate expert broke the cement block.” Relying on inferences can actually lower adult reading scores. I thought I was on to something. Inferences are stored in a manner that is indistinguishable from information conveyed by direct assertion. I found examples occurring in courtroom testimony and deceptive advertising. I presented my findings at a conference of the Western Psychological Association in Los Angeles where I managed to get my thesis published [link]. Then, someone approached me and said that my research would be useful in another field .. developing speech recognition systems for the computer. So in 1981, after the Reagan Administration began cutting funds for the kind of research I was doing, I completed the master’s degree and I went to work for the computer industry. I remember my colleagues telling me I was ‘selling-out’. I never lost interest in psychology and always thought I’d come back and complete a doctoral degree.

**Vintage photo of me after a day in the surf ..Laguna Beach 1977

Virginia Tech

They’re calling it a ‘thought disorder’ instead of a ‘personality disorder’ ..I suppose that’s because this goes way beyond driving cross-country, wearing diapers, to whack a romantic rival. It doesn’t make sense to say that someone committed mass murder because of a personality flaw. But, thought disorder ..now that sounds like something that registers higher on the scale of mental disturbances. I watched the video where Cho talks about being: “forced into a corner” ..but he wasn't sweating much ..not like I’d expect from someone who really felt threatened. Judging from the things I heard, he didn’t have much in the way of social skills .. I mean, stalking isn’t the best strategy for ‘hooking-up’. Sounds like he pushed people away ..and pushed himself into a corner ..then turned around and blamed others .. like the trust fund students ..for the situation he was in. I’ve seen other students deal with this by joining fringe groups ..I remember a kid who actually cut himself with a razor to show them how tough he was. However, in Cho’s case ..he was trapped by his own delusions ..and the only way he knew how to get out ..was the way he got in ..cold-hearted disordered thoughts.

I feel pretty heart-sick about the whole thing ..I guess a psych 101 post is my way of explaining it to myself.

Reading behaviour

Someone recently told me that, at my age, employers don’t want to read a resume ..they want to hear a good story. So, here’s number one. While I was back in graduate school, I did research modeling reading comprehension on the computer. We were trying to develop a 'natural language' interface based on adult reading skills. Our goal was to build a database system that could store information and answer questions in English-like fashion. My job was to test adults and see what cognitive skills they use to understand and remember what they read. We programmed these skills as ‘comprehension rules’ on the computer. I remember encountering a problem where we had to decide between two competing scientific theories of memory. We already knew that inference-making was an essential skill people use to understand what they read. One theory, called the depth-of-processing theory, held that competent readers make a wide range of 'elaborative' inferences in order to make reading material more memorable. The other theory, known then as the ‘relevancy hypothesis’, claimed that readers make only those inferences necessary to give the material coherence. I tested adult comprehension and memory for short reading passages that required inferences. The results supported the relevancy hypothesis meaning that readers made mostly the type of inferences that contribute to coherence. It also meant that we had to adapt a strategy to somehow constrain inference-making in our reading comprehension model. Research in this field not only benefits companies in the computer industry ..like Google ..it also advances the state-of-the-art in reading education ..contributing to programs that help children with learning disabilities like dyslexia. So, there you go ..I managed to write a job story ..as well as a public service announcement. How boring. I’m up to ten. What a long strange trip it’s been. If I promise not to post anymore of them ..will you please come back again ..?

Synesthesia

At a graduate seminar many years ago, a fellow student named David Stoltenberg proposed a theory that said that the simple act of reading is a “cross-sensory” event in the brain ..he even had a name for it ..“sensory synesthesia” ..which he described as “perceiving the sound of a color ..or the light of a sigh.” He was giving a multi-media presentation to demonstrate this idea ..but it didn’t turn out the way he planned ..the projectors malfunctioned ..the main point got lost ..and what I was able to get out of it left me feeling unconvinced ..it sounded too much like science fiction. When I think back, I realize I owe Dave a big apology ..and a pound of red Lebanese ..he was right ..you have to be able to “hear” what you “see” in order “understand” what you “read” ..because reading is such a recent invention – it’s only been around for 6,000 years – it never got a chance to really establish a place of it’s own in the brain ..unlike speech recognition which has evolved it’s own specialized center. Consequently, the written word has to be translated into the way it sounds first ..and then transfered to the speech recognition center in order to get the meaning ..because, in memory, word meaning is stored by the way it sounds ..not by the way it looks. That’s the reason why we teach dyslexics how to read by exercising their auditory system.

Continuing education

I finished my final project for database servers this week ..next week I receive a take home final for visual basic ..now I know this instructor’s exams ..they’re like projects ..it’ll take me the whole week to do .. so I had to make sure the lab didn't lift my privileges on Monday ..I need them until the end of the semester..I asked Sara, head of lab support, if I should submit an authorization form ..and she said: nah ..I’ll just do it. I thought that was pretty decent of her ..but now I'm faced with the prospect of spending another week in the lab. AAGGHHHH. Think I'll take P.E. courses in the spring.

Higher education

When I was in college ..I regarded learning as it’s own reward. I felt like an explorer with a big curiosity to fill. I loved books ..ideas ..theories ..arguments and discoveries. I know that this sounds like a lot of sentimentalist bullshit – most students I talk to today consider higher education a distasteful digression on the way to landing a job making big bucks. Well, you know ..fortunes come and go ..but a resilient mind doesn’t crumble ..it adapts. College is not just a trade school ..it’s a place where you learn how to actively explore ..be receptive and continually refresh your mind. I find these things more valuable than any job skill I ever learned. Society and technology change too fast ..there’s not many jobs skills worth hanging on to.

Tech support

I decided to collaborate with John on my BIG computer project. The thing is, he doesn’t know he’s collaborating ..in fact, I don’t think he would agree to it if I asked him outright. So, I tricked him by asking for his advice ..and drawing him in slowly. Now he’s captivated. For John, that comes natural ..he’s tech support. I‘ll drop by the lab next week and see if he's finished .

Repose

Oh wow, deck time ..it’s been awhile. Feels good ..I got my laptop ..I'm listening to Patrick O’Hearn ..and I'm sipping Jamaican rum ..facilitates the writing process. Another weekly cycle is complete ..and I’m restoring myself for the next one. There are other cycles out there as well ..I'm not travelling in a straight line. Seasons come in cycles ..the tide comes in cycles ..waves hit the beach in cycles ..and nerve impulses reach my brain in cycles. I recently added more cycles by enrolling in college courses. Now I have classroom cycles ..and a lot of little ‘computer lab’ cycles in inside of those. They’re starting to interfere with my journal writing and sleep-wake cycle.

Alejandro

Alejandro (pronounced Alee~hand~ro) used to sell jewelry on the beach in Acapulco. He learned English from the American tourists ..and French from the Canadian tourists. His English is good ..and so is his French. He’s studying accounting and is an expert with QuickBooks. He’s sharp and quick-witted. I’m sure the local business community would love to hire him when he’s through. It’s going to take awhile though ..he’s enrolled as an international student and pays exorbitant tuition ..which means he can only take one or two classes a semester. In addition, he works manual labor jobs whenever he can. This is the hard way. If it were me ..I would have probably given up by now. He is very industrious though ..I see him in the lab almost every time I go.

Huyen

Sara, the head lab tech, suggests that I take more continuing education courses in computer science ..I tell her that I plan to ..but, I’m really thinking about taking courses in something else ..like literature or creative writing. I see Huyen and give her the wetsuit and fins that I promised her. I don’t expect anything in return. I’m working on being less selfish ..trying to break the cycle of always asking what’s in it for me ..me ..me. Anyway, Huyen (pronounced Winn) was delighted. She loves the ocean, even though she can barely swim ..I hope the fins help. She was born in Vietnam the same year the war ended –1975. It’s not clear to me how she got here. I'm sure there's a story behind it. She studies accounting and hopes to become a CPA someday ..she is so diligent I think she'll make it.

Lab beat

The head lab tech told the dept chair to ‘buzz off’ last night .. actually it was more like: “I have an emergency so, if you don't have a bigger one ..buzz off!” They were at the computer next to me when this occured ..and I swear I could hear the lab techs take a collective breath and hold it ..it sounded like: ssssshhhhhhwwwoop. But the dept chair just laughed and asked “..what's the matter?" She said something about ‘policy rights and directories’ and he went “you win” ..and buzzed off. The room went: Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Ten minutes later she turns to me and says: “..what the hell ..am I going crazy?” ..then looks around and says “..where is that drumming noise coming from..?” I froze and tried to listen but couldn’t hear anything. Before I could evade the question ..or lie ..she slams down her stuff ..gets up and walks out of the room. Five minutes later she comes back and says “..can you believe that ? There was a band playing right underneath us ..geeeeshh.” But she put an end to that toot- sweet and I said something like: way to go girl. I never did hear anything tho ..and neither did the guy sitting next to me. Around 9 pm, after the tension lifted ..the lab techs thought it was important to find out who replaced the printer paper ..with colored paper. They were all looking at another lab tech named John, cuz he's a nice guy and would do that for somebody. But he was like “..hey, I haven't been near the printer all night.”

Wet rat

I am at the college ..sitting outside by the fountain ..and I can see smoke from the Topanga Canyon fire drifting out to sea. That means there’s an offshore flow today ..not the usual marine layer ..it’s really hot ..101 degrees ..and very dry. I’m taking a break from the computer lab where I’ve spent the last three hours in techno-hell. Didn’t accomplish a thing because of stupid file-handling problems. I assure myself I’m not to blame because other people are having the same problem ..I know this because I can see them on Google when I search for the error message. It feels like an oven out here ..my own private Idaho in there ..I'm thinking about going for a swim in the ocean!

Lab rat

I think I’ve been spending way too much time in the computer lab ..I'm seeing Windows everywhere and the lab tech is starting to look attractive. I don't mean she ordinarily looks like Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live). She’s really very pleasant ..great big oval-shaped eyes, very green .. a wide smile, very bright ..and I like the way her face lights up when she talks about MP3 Podcasts. Anyway, this morning she welcomed me with a smile and said: “your back ..poor thing”. Now, I wonder, did she mean ‘poor thing’ as in ..‘poor thing ..you work so hard’ or ‘poor thing ..you must have nothing better to do ..how pathetic’. Actually, it’s me who’s wondering how pathetic I am. So, instead of hanging around ..I do a few quick keystrokes and duck out of there. I think of something I can do to make me stop feeling like such a geek. I go to Morninglory Records and explore. Music renews my spirit. While I’m there I discover ‘Devendra Banhart’ ..very unique, he sounds neo-folk. Very cool ! I hang out at State&A listening to a group called ‘Coral Sea’. They sound sort of like Coldplay ..except with strings ..very sweet ! Next time I go to the computer lab ..maybe I won’t feel so pathetic.

Uncharted territory

I stayed after class last night to listen to the instructor repeat how ‘delegates’ work in cyberspace. It's like sending someone on a mission (a secondary thread) to make copies. First, you have to give them the address of Kinko’s ..then the address of where to meet back on the main thread safely. OK, I think I got it. While he was talking I flashed back to the second grade where I gave up recess one day to listen to the teacher repeat long division. I didn’t get it at first because I was sitting way too far in the back of class ..and paying much more attention to my immediate surroundings ..namely Mary. Fortunately, I got this uneasy feeling that I missed something weighty. Next I flash-forward to college where I would stay after my neuroscience class, with a few other students, seeing if we could wring anything more weighty out of the instructor. What do I know ? Very little ..there's so much uncharted territory.

Geek mind

Fear and loathing in the computer lab ..or mothers, don’t let your children grow up to be techies! I look up ..it’s past midnight and I’m still in the computer lab. I’ve been here through lunch and dinner but my appetite wore off a long time ago. I’m running on fumes of acetylcholine and obsession. I refuse to accept defeat. It’s like there’s a defiant broadcast signal in my brain hollering: ‘why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..why don’t these fucking numbers compute ..and what kind of a fucking loser am I anyway’. But the real question is ..why can’t I just back away from the computer and walk outta here? I haven’t had normal eye contact with anyone for over 24 hours ..and I'm getting delusional. It looks like the guy next to me is eating his keyboard ..another person is muttering over and over again about files from hell ..someone is crying about something irretrievably lost ..there's a guy over there shaking his fist at the screen and shouting about how unstable his connection is. The lab assistants look disturbed. When the guy next to me starts saying something about getting a gun ..I lean over and ask him to shoot me first.