quantum tunnelling

In space, the powers of creation and destruction work differently. Matter appears .. dissolves and reappears like here but  in  a   s l o w e r   m a n n e r.  Matter that makes up you and me. On earth we’re refreshed at such high speeds ..particles disappear and reappear in essentially the same place ..making our position more or less predictable from one instant to the next. In space, however, it’s so cold that things take a little longer ..when measured in nano-seconds. So, instead of the high-speed collisions that we see on earth .. particles are refreshed by way of quantum tunneling in space [link]. This means we could wink out of one place one moment and reappear in another place the next ..kind of like looking at someone through a strobe light. And not only that .. this kind of delay lowers the probability of particles sticking together ..meaning there’s a good chance that we could dissolve in the process.

morning trek

6:30 am ..I check out the news and weather online. Watch Hayley Williams sing on YouTube. Feel my spirits lifting. Have coffee and a smoothie on the deck ..watch my thoughts pick up speed. Put the top down on the alfa and zip to the shore. I start at the bird refuge by the lagoon  ..adjust my trekking poles and take long strides to the bluff overlooking Butterfly Beach. I pass through azalea, bougainvillea and lantana. Watch a hummingbird freeze in midair to check me out. I can feel the breeze from its wings on my face. I thank her for the kind gesture and she passes. I look out over the edge ..glassy conditions, emerald green water. I think next time I’m wearing my swim shorts instead.

Lucidity Festival

Rainbow Girls
Lucidity Festival

Santa Barbara  CA

Lilia pt 2

I run into Lilia on my next trip to the high school track and ask her if she’s able to continue running on the beach. I’ve been going down there just about every morning since we met. She reminds me to call before next time I go. We make plans for the following day. Later I wonder if it’s such a good idea ..might be too soon to make it a social event. I don’t know. I need to stay focused. I call the next day anyway .. but she tells me she has to go to the airport with her family ..she forgot. Her sister-in-law is coming to visit. But she wants to go tomorrow. I call the next morning and get a message telling me she’s a voice-mail customer who hasn’t started her voice-mail service yet. For some reason it feels like a failure-to-launch, which surprises me. I shouldn’t feel this way .. it’s not like it was a date or anything. Even though I know I’m  making a big deal out of it ..it.kinda’ revives my doubts. Reminds me to stay focused.

certainty of possibility

I think I may actually know something about the value of information. It was my field in grad school and I worked in IT for almost 20 years. Seems like I should. Anyway I can usually tell when someone says something will happen based only on the  possibility that it could happen. In logic I think they would call that a fallacy. Last week the Washington Post reported  Edward Snowden’s claim that the government has unfettered access to our personal online records. Alarming, but the way the report reads ..only a possibility. Since the Washington Post is a fairly reliable source and some of the other claims turned out to be true, I gave this one equal credit. Next I hear all the major online services denying such a ‘secret government portal’ exists. I felt like I’d given it too much credit. The folks at Google would certainly know when they’re being hacked ..wouldn’t they. Then the New York Times reports that Google and government officials ‘discussed the creation of portals’ where the government can go retrieve online information anytime ..without a search warrant. Certainly bolsters Snowden’s claim. Today I hear that Snowden has been on a campaign against intrusive government for a long time and his claim is based on ‘government-training material’. Certainly a worthy campaign ..but I’ve seen government-training material before. So now I’m back to square one. Just because someone says something could happen doesn’t mean it did. As far as I’m concerned .. the value of his claim is still indeterminate and could go either way.

don't look back

Lilia pt 1

I meet Lilia for the first time at the football stadium. I’m walking around the track ..she’s sitting on the steps having a beer. It’s Friday after work. I stop and say “hi, kicking back?”  She responds enthusiastically so I stay and we chat. She says she needed to get out of the house ..something about not wanting to drink in front of her daughter. She goes on to tell me she’s getting a divorce and recently moved back to Santa Barbara where she grew up. Went to high school here ..played soccer and ran cross-country. Graduated in 1984 ..which I quickly figure makes her 12 years younger than me (old habit). She looks fit ..Hispanic ..pretty. She tells me she’s started running again on the beach and says: “they’ve finally come out with a running shoe you can wear in the water.” I tell her about my plans to start walking where I used to run along the shore. She lights up and asks me to call ..she’d like to join me ..says it would help her stayed committed ..and gives me her number. I give her mine. Turns out we’re neighbors ..she lives just a few doors down. Now I’m having lingering thoughts about her.

Kālī

continued from [here]

I saw Kālī a few more times before she left Santa Barbara. Then I didn’t hear from her at all. I assumed she was getting along OK in Ojai ..composing music ..following the path ..getting clear ..when I received a message. She’d gone much deeper than that. The path was now her home. She was living at an Ashram in Colorado ..immersed in spiritual practice 24 hours a day ..sometimes performing Tantric Yoga until sunrise. Tantric yoga requires a partner ..and she had one. Marco Shapanka is a practicing Hindu and devotee of Sri Ramakrishna. Sri Ramakrishna was a 19th century Bengalese Swami and head of Dakshineswar Kālī Temple. Sri Ramakrishna also had a partner ..Sri Sri Sarada Devi who is considered to be an incarnation of the Goddess Kālī. So, to my astonishment, Serena was not just following Kālī ..she was re-enacting the life of Kālī and her successive incarnations. It felt like I was witnessing the birth of another wave in a cycle that had begun 4,000 years ago.

(to be continued)

Kālī

continued from [here]

Next time I saw Kālī I learned her real name .. Serena. She told me she was a devotee of Sri AnandamayiMa .. a Hindu Saint and incarnation of the Goddess Kālī. In Hindu tradition, the Goddess Kālī is consort to Lord Shiva and together they represent the creative and destructive powers of the Universe. Hearing this struck a chord. I was on a similar path when I was her age. I remembered a piece of music that resonated with me then and brought it with me next time. It resonated with her too. The inside cover has an illustration of the Kālī Yantra .. same as the one tattooed on Serena’s back. Until then I had not paid much attention to the CD illustration. I was paying attention now. Serena explained how the tattoo came to be on her back. Earlier in the year she had an ecstatic experience. She came into direct contact with the spirit of Goddess Kālī [link].

(continued)

Kālī

When I first met Kāli, she told me she was sick of living in the contaminated atmosphere surrounding Southern California. It wasn’t just the air pollution. She felt that way about the food and culture as well. At 20 she was already an established DJ ..specializing in electronic Eastern music. However she was about to stop performing. “I’m tired of playing to a room full of zombies.” She was also looking for a place in Ojai, which she felt was a more healthy community. There she could take time to compose and deepen her commitment to spiritual practice. “Sounds refreshing” I said ..and told her about a Buddhist monastery on a nearby mountaintop where she could go meditate whenever she wanted. “Ohhh, you have no idea how wonderful that sounds right now.” Actually, I thought ..yeah I do. But I just smiled and gave her a hug. I had no doubt she’d find her way. [continued]

Galactic Psymadhi by ॐ Kali Devi ॐ

Shoreline

I down a smoothie and go walking in the early morning fog along the shore. It’s my favorite time ..just before burnoff. Very soothing. I pass by tai chi and yoga classes in the park. Very cool. At the end of the wharf where there’s nothing separating me from the water I watch low flying pelicans appear out of the mist then disappear again. The water is smooth and olive green. Very full and very still. Massive. Leaving, I promise to rent myself a three-wheel bike next time. I’m in the market for one anyway.

time beings

In the book ‘Tale for the Time Being’ [link], a 100-year-old Zen master says:

    “For the time being
       ...words scatter
     are they fallen leaves?”

In the Shōbōgenzō [link], Dōgen Zenji says:

   “We are all time beings
     existing as passing moments in time .”

So, I guess to answer the Zen masters question: Yes, words are like fallen leaves because once spoken, they quickly pass and exist only as prior moments of time. ..transient as falling leaves. Another way to answer, I suppose, is by not answering at all ..in observance of the insubstantial nature of words.

phenomenon

phenomenon

Rhythm

I wake up in a Pavlov state of anticipation ..wondering what news my iPad will bring. Says: My laptop’s been declared a relic and Paramore’s new album’s a phenomenon. Now I’m sitting back and wondering what information I’m missing but don’t know I’m missing because it’s not in-scope of my RSS feeds. I get into the rhythm of the Internet. Cycles of information ..each one triggering a cycle of reactions. Another wave of anticipation. I take my hands off the keyboard and back away from the computer ..the cycles dissolve. Sometimes I go a week and I don’t even miss it. When I return ..it’s like I never left.

Haley's comet

So tell me
what are you gonna do
when the world don't or-bit a-round you?

Boundaries

“Teenagers with mental distress come mostly from families near the boundaries between socio-economic classes ..not families who live squarely in one class or another.”   [Center for Disease Control]

This report caught my attention. I grew up in a fairly affluent, upper-middle class neighborhood ..but belonged to an income class that was closer to the bottom of the socio-economic scale. The result of a divorce settlement that kept us in a nice place but with just enough money to eat ..if we stuck with Taco Bell and beef jerky. We basically relied on the charity of sympathetic neighbors to get by. We we’re definitely living near the vicinity of different class boundaries. I was forbidden from hanging out with kids in families from my income class (according to my mom it didn’t reflect well in the neighborhood I was in) while kids in my neighborhood were discouraged from hanging out with me by their parents ..out of fear I'd become another  ‘dependent’. Now I’m not looking to assign blame here or anything. There are more than enough reasons for the ‘distress’ I felt. I was definitely a major contributor. But this article resonates. It wasn’t until I got the hell out of Dodge that my depression cleared. Economic class is a largely unspoken source of discrimination in the U.S.

Moving on

adelaide

rambling practice

The word meander means to proceed by or take a winding or indirect course .. explore whatever captures the imagination ..engage in a quest to attract novel experiences. I think it’s the word that best describes my journal writing practice. It’s a record of my meanderings both inward and outward. In other words ..it’s all over the place. My thoughts kind of go that way. Motivated more by curiosity than intent. I guess to the casual observer that would appear rambling and frivolous. However, if I had to give it a purpose I would to say it’s my way of explaining things to myself. See how ridiculous they sound once I read them back. Now that I've finished this one I’m going meandering through town.

Unfettered and alive

“Mothers and fathers throughout the land / Don't criticize what you can’t understand / Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command / The old road is rapidly aging / Please get out of the new one if you can’t lend a hand / For the times they are a-changing.” 

The way I see it, I have every reason to feel optimistic. Young people are revitalizing the land. Men and women in equal measure. And they’re not doing it the same way as before. I see something different. More like a fusion of local culture with global ideas. Using modern technology. Bringing together communities of like-minded people faster and less fettered than before. Whether or not this is sustainable is too soon to tell. At present I’d say it’s inexplicable. More like life according to Lao Tzu: “The way that can be spoken is not the way / Nameless is the origin of heaven and earth.” Even in Tijuana, young entrepreneurs and artists are reclaiming the streets ..giving wide berth to the adverse conditions bestowed by prior generations. They have more in common with their counterparts in Mexico City, Los Angeles and other metropolises. In L.A, tech firms founded by women are replenishing the city. Unimpeded by the Bay Area’s male-dominated programmer culture, they’re using their expertise in retail, entertainment, advertising and media to build digital companies whose products and services are aimed at other women. I suppose if you’re stuck in prior ways of doing things you won’t have as much reason to feel optimistic.

in my head

Pacific Northwest

Vigil

Sometimes the biggest component of pain is fear

Day sixteen: It rained last night. I get up at 6 am and play in the mud with Andy. Tug of war with a dog who has jaws of steel. I put my play-clothes in a plastic bag and shower. Vanessa needs to be at work on time so she drops me off at OHSU and I bring Laura coffecito and a banana. I’m waiting for the results of the morning’s CT scan to determine whether she’s OK to leave ICU ..meaning no more drain ..no more surgeries and no artificial shunt. At noon Dr. Hardaway arrives and announces the CT scan was normal. She’s draining on her own. No further intervention required. She feels so confident Laura will be leaving ICU that she removes the existing drain from her head right there in the room. It’s a fiber-thin catheter. Laura doesn’t flinch ..yet. It’s not until she’s stitching her scalp that Laura winces ..tries to jerk her head away and cries “Noooo. You can’t do that!” I get the feeling her reaction has more to do with 2-weeks under orders not to touch it. Like it’s a vulnerable site not to be messed with. She may not realize it’s her brain surgeon doing the messing. Sometimes the biggest component of pain is fear. She will be released from ICU just as soon as they can find her another room. I assist Laura with some physical therapy exercises to stretch and loosen her muscles. She’s compliant and surprisingly limber. She looks up at the ceiling and goes “I have a lot of work to do.” Afterward she says something in rapid Spanish ..looks at me and switches to English “I couldn’t respond when I was tired” referring, I believe, to the questions everyone’s been putting to her over the last two weeks. Almost like she’s apologizing for her unresponsiveness. I smile and say “of course not” ..delighted she has the presence of mind to remember her prior state of mind while drifting in and out of fever. I take it as another good sign. We spend the next hour and a half looking at pictures of remodeled homes. When she drops off to sleep I go and keep a promise I’d made to myself when I first arrived and take the gondola from the mountainside hospital to the Willamette River below ..feeling buoyed by news of Laura’s recovery. Momentary disorientation when I reach bottom thinking I’m in town only to find I haven’t left the university. I sit and have juice in the Wellness Center. Feeling ecstatic.

Vigil

Day fifteen: Vanessa and I arrive anxiously at 10 A.M. in ICU. We’re greeted with welcome news. The CT scan this morning (12 hours post endoscope) shows no change in fluid levels, which is good. Since the external drain is still clamped this means she’s draining on her own. I feel greatly relieved. No more surgeries ..no artificial drain. Another CT scan tomorrow (at 24 hours) should clinch the deal and she’ll be released from ICU. I go upstairs for coffee and breakfast. Vanessa goes home to catch up on things and get some much-needed sleep. Her husband Dustin who’s been keeping track says she should get at least 4 hours to fortify herself for the upcoming workweek. 

I take a walk in the woods ..find a bench and practice some deep breathing and progressive relaxation exercises. I return to the room where Nurse Jean has transferred Laura to a specially designed chair and I feed Laura lunch. Afterwards we watch ‘pawn shop’ on the history channel ..a favorite of Laura’s. She likes to watch the negotiations. I explain why a dollar bill printed by Benjamin Franklin prior to 1776 is worth $8,000.00. A hand-held sundial made in the 17th century by Hans Troschel is worth $6,000. 00. The owner decides to keep it. I tell her it was made in my mother’s hometown of Nürnberg Germany. Laura’s eyes widen. After 2 hours of this she is ready for bed.

I take another walk in the woods ..eat lunch then return where I lie between a couple of chairs next to Laura. I wake up freezing. They keep the temperature of the room at 60 degrees. I go down to the lobby and sit by the fire but it doesn’t help. I return to the room where Vanessa and Dustin have arrived with the baby. Laura looks more lively and alert than ever. She’s answering questions with spot-on accuracy. She knows what’s happening ..just needs the energy to express it. Warms my heart but my bones are still chilled. Vanessa rounds up some heated blankets, which help tremendously. When the nurse picks up and empties two liter-bottles of urine ..Laura looks surprised. She goes: “I didn’t feel that” ..which tells me she has good body awareness to know she didn’t sense it. The nurse explains that after two weeks of assistance you become less sensitive to the fullness of your bladder.